a time of changes

i write this on wednesday night, thankgiving eve.

for all that stays the same, everything changes simulataneously.

we have been undergoing changes here in the little world we live in.

the first one, or the biggest one, happened last week. my grandmother earline williams, all of 86 years old slipped from this world into the next. she had been battling on so many fronts. dementia and alzheimers'; aneurysms around her heart; a pacemaker just put in; congestive heart failure; lung problems so she was now on oxygen 24/7 except for when she forgot what the tanks were there for and turned off them off because they made too much noise; failing kidneys; all just to name a few.

in short, she wore out.

she had just had the pacemaker put in, and the hospital tried to discharge her, but she wasn't able to. she wasn't able to get to the loo, she wasn't able to walk more than a very few steps.

when the nurses found out that my mother would not be coming to pick grandmothe up (after mom had been there all day, and no one had once mentioned release papers to her) a few minutes later grandmother called my mom and begged tearfully, "please come take me home. take me home.. please, just take me home..."

mom didn't go to pick her up.

then every night or time people would visit, grandmother would just beg, take me home, please just take me home... or just go, please just go.... she was unable to handle being left in the hospital.

then the phone call came. 6:30am. the hospital called my mother and said grandmother was having a hard time breathing, and get there quick. the hospital is an hour away. so mom jumped and ran and drove off. about three minutes after mom left, the hospital called again, and spoke to dad. there was a strong chance that grandmother wouldn't be alive by the time mom got there. so dad jumped and ran. called my sister and i first. he called me back a little after 7:30 and gave the update. a blood clot had broken off one of the anuerysms, and was blocking her auroital artery (vein?) by 50%. so she was no longer getting oxygen. ordinarily the doctors would do a pretty aggressive surgery to take care of the problem. but she wasn't strong enough and wouldn't survive the procedure.

so nature took its course. she took a breath, and didn't take another.

while i cried that day, i havent cried since then.

i'm more grateful that she went when she did. she went before she lost her mind completely. she still remembered her family. she had to ask my mother's name a couple times. but she still remembered her great grand babies. she still had humor.

she went before she had to go into a home, which was the next step. she went while she was still able to be surrounded by her family, living semi independently, on the farm, surrounded by her knick knacks, her bird feeders, that sort of thing.

and she went peacefully. it was a gentle passage, with no fear. no anger.

a friend of mine, michael, his mother died of alzheimers, or things related to it. he said when she died, he didn't cry one tear, for she had died long before that. and i completely agree. i cried when grandmother was diagnosed. i was angry at this imposter, this fake grandmother...

she has been dead for a little over a week.

second change: my husband got a job. he got hired! full time, with benefits. in his field. not teaching but in conservation. he starts next week. :) this is a huge answer to prayers. huge blessing. he has been out of work for almost a year now. and we have struggled and struggled. sometimes wondering if we would have enough for groceries.

the commute is crazy. but right now, we are staying where we are because i am still teaching at the university until the end of the semester.

which brings us to third: i have next semester off. i am actively pursuing doula training. i am actively trying to complete that as soon as possible, and at the same time finish a book to mirror like revision. polish it until it shines like the top of the chrysler building so said miss hannigan.

i am beginning to really investigate homeschooling or charter schooling for our daughter.

the more this semester went on, the more i realized, very clearly, this was not where i wanted to be. this was not where my focus needed to be. my focus needed to be on our daughter, on home, on writing, on other things. but not with the university.

at first i was scared to admit that, that i would be changing my career - teaching wise - for something else. but the more i thought about it, the more it feels right. the department knows i'm off next semester. i told my supervisor i needed to "re-evaluate" where the university played into my career, my life and objectives.

on top of that, i have found a yoga studio that's semi local and is donation based. their teaching certification is two thousand less than anywhere else i have seen in the region. while i am nowhere near where i need to be to do my training, it's a goal, it's an outlet. and my cousin will drive us there as i hate driving...

it just seems like the universe is aligning.

so today i have been reading all about childbirth, and birth companions. i'll read some of harry potter 7 tonight. and i'll pick up a few other books. i never read one book at a time.

for a complete list of the books that i have reviewed for the tunkhannock library, check out www.tunk.com/library and look for Rebecca's Reviews.

i'm about two weeks ahead of them, meaning i have two weeks of reviews typically done that aren't published. i only write good reviews, as it's to encourage circulation.

but i may start doing bad reviews here, warnings so to speak.

I may make Twilight (the film.. i can't stomach the writing of the book) my first :)

on other notes:

our daughter is awesome. still is. always is. is a climber.... we need to make her a climbing wall.


i will write a few other reviews very shortly but our little one is still awake - we suspect a cold... so, off to find the vicks and saline spray...